Having the courage to push publish. Understanding the website. The back-end. The links. Blah, blah, blah. That is a short list of the hard stuff. The part that doesn't light me up and kept me from telling you all of this years ago. But finally, here I am.
All I want to do is Write. Connect. Collaborate. Support. Bridge. Listen. Voice. Create. This is the part that comes easily. Rivers and waterfalls of words that slosh around in my head until I finally jot them down in my journal, an unnamed and unsaved word document, my notes app on my phone or even in a voice memo to myself. This part feels like pouring myself a glass of water after realizing I am parched and desperate for a sip. Sometimes a gulp. And finally the river of words is organizing, finding purpose, coming to life and I am no longer dehydrated.
Recently I’ve been spending some time thinking about values. Specifically, my values and how they build the code that is authentic to me. What do I think about, value most, and want to put my energy toward? Part of this activity that is hard for me is that there are SO MANY things that fit this list. That’s always felt like part of the challenge for me as far as my life, my interests, hobbies, and even career. As I’ve refined and continue to clarify this list, I stumbled across memory. I sure it’s not a perfect recollection, but fairly distinct. That is of being student of the week in third grade- we had a week to be in the spotlight, special benefits like getting to line up first, the whole class writing nice notes (some of which I still have- it’s food for my words of affirmation love language soul!) and getting to do a session at the end of the week where you got to share something with the class in a dedicated time. Some kids would read a book or share something they collected, or draw a picture for the class. I remember panicking a bit about this as the weeks got closer to me. What would a chose? How would I chose? The details in between are vague, but I do recall roller skating into the class with my keyboard and wearing my gymnastics recital costume to create what was likely a hilarious song/dance/roller-skating performance in front of my entire class.
It was somewhere just past that age that I realized a few things. 1- I was a lot. I liked a lot of things, I talked a lot, and I wanted to do all the things with all the people. When I was young, I accepted this about myself. As I got older, I realize looking back, that I shrunk my “a lots” to fit in with others. There wasn’t a specific time or place I recall this happening- I can just tell you that the brave little soul who showed up in front of her class as the multi-passionate kiddo she was, became less comfortable and brave with showing up as bold and true to herself as she got older. 2- Kids who were focused and really great at just one thing seemed to excel more easily. Even though there were plenty of things I was good at, I wasn’t excelling at any one. This started to feel like I wasn’t the best at anything which was not motivating. I already wasn’t a competitive person, and the not having one thing I was known for or really good made me feel lost and disconnected. The more lost and disconnected I felt, the less I felt comfortable continuing to explore things that others were really good that I may have only wanted to dabble in.
Flash forward about 30 years and while thinking about values I realized that being multi-dimensional, multi-passionate and exploring those options and dimensions are CORE to who I am. I’ve kept this side of me small to most people for many years, waiting for a reason or permission slip to expand and I am finally ready to show up as who I am and explore all the things I love (or may love, or thing I will love but won’t). Juggling new balls and exploring the things that fill my soul. Today, it starts with hitting publish on this blog. Sharing my story with others and hopefully encouraging them to remember who they were before there were any pressures around who you should be. If we don’t have our own back, if we can’t embody the most authentic version of ourselves, then I ask, who or what are we focused on instead? I am stepping out of the box that I put myself in and creating a new box. Want to join me?
Comentarios